Somewhat messed up but very privately
I am just trying to understand this. Why I keep getting stuck on Harman, why everything I do I feel I do for Harman. He has given me a home, stability and love, support, any crazy idea or activity I would come up with he would participate in. He has accepted me for who I am and has always encouraged me to be myself. Without knowing anything about autism he was the best partner an autistic could have. I want to move on. I know he does, too, but I can't. DO I want to? I doubt it actually. I have tried my hardest and fought and tried to build up a new life but it is simply not working and I do not understand why. I mean, I do understand. He is my Ohana, ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind. I left him behind. I didn't mean to but I did anyways. And that is what I am stuck on. And the fact that we are supposed to have gotten married and have kids and a house. Living in peace in a suburb of Wellington and travelling to exciting places and explore the world, knowing that we will come home to our beloved Wellington, our home. With the Buddha statue on the wall and the first picture we ever took together. That silly porcelain elephant I made him buy in a sale and our matching red kitchen set in the cupboard. I wish he had proposed to me; I keep asking myself if things had been differently.
I wish I could explain to him what happened but he is not listening. I understand why he does not want to listen and I have begged and waited for over 10 months now to explain to him what happened. I sometimes wish I simply wouldn't have told him. Or that I could make it undone. But then I would have never found out about the diagnosis and why and how I work the way I do. I would have never found out why I am always upset and depressed and confused and feel like an actor in a play. Why I put people into drawers and things into drawers and everything into drawers so I do not feel so confused about everything and everyone. That the way I am is not typical.
I wish he would listen to me. I wish that we could meet and we could talk. We could interact with each other. I want to feel him close to me to know everything will be okay, just for once I want to know that everything will be ok and I can truly trust the feeling and get lost in it.
I wish I hadn't followed the instructions my mum gave me, Manvir gave me, everybody always gave me. Why my need to "follow the rule" overshadows everything and I was able to hurt the person I love the most. Maybe, now thinking about it, because I followed rules that are overwritten by Harman's rule and I didn't realise that they were. Harmans rule (love and commitment) > Etiquette (doing what I understand is expected of me).
I do not want to feel hurt. I do not like it. I want silence and Harman. I want to watch The Block and bicker about the amount of advertising they do. I am so fucking sick of always feeling lost, having no direction, being sad. It is really fucking annoying and it is getting to the point where it is getting unbearable. I am trying so hard to make a new start, to make amends and work things out by myself. But in the end I know that I need Harman to take me by the hand and push me into the water because I simply cannot do it without him.
I wish he wasn't just there in my imagination. I wish that I didn't have to pretend for him to be here all the time, helping me find my place. I wish he was really there, telling me how proud he is of me and how I should keep going because what I am doing is good.
His face is the only face I do not forget.
I wish I could explain to him what happened but he is not listening. I understand why he does not want to listen and I have begged and waited for over 10 months now to explain to him what happened. I sometimes wish I simply wouldn't have told him. Or that I could make it undone. But then I would have never found out about the diagnosis and why and how I work the way I do. I would have never found out why I am always upset and depressed and confused and feel like an actor in a play. Why I put people into drawers and things into drawers and everything into drawers so I do not feel so confused about everything and everyone. That the way I am is not typical.
I wish he would listen to me. I wish that we could meet and we could talk. We could interact with each other. I want to feel him close to me to know everything will be okay, just for once I want to know that everything will be ok and I can truly trust the feeling and get lost in it.
I wish I hadn't followed the instructions my mum gave me, Manvir gave me, everybody always gave me. Why my need to "follow the rule" overshadows everything and I was able to hurt the person I love the most. Maybe, now thinking about it, because I followed rules that are overwritten by Harman's rule and I didn't realise that they were. Harmans rule (love and commitment) > Etiquette (doing what I understand is expected of me).
I do not want to feel hurt. I do not like it. I want silence and Harman. I want to watch The Block and bicker about the amount of advertising they do. I am so fucking sick of always feeling lost, having no direction, being sad. It is really fucking annoying and it is getting to the point where it is getting unbearable. I am trying so hard to make a new start, to make amends and work things out by myself. But in the end I know that I need Harman to take me by the hand and push me into the water because I simply cannot do it without him.
I wish he wasn't just there in my imagination. I wish that I didn't have to pretend for him to be here all the time, helping me find my place. I wish he was really there, telling me how proud he is of me and how I should keep going because what I am doing is good.
His face is the only face I do not forget.
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